Monday, March 19, 2007

My desire to be my desire.

Yes, I know that my statement “My desire to be my desire.” sounds very strange but I think it’s the problem in my life, and I don’t think I am alone. I feel like I have spent my life learning from and teaching people how to fulfill their desires in Jesus. But what I have neglected to say and hear is that my deepest satisfaction does not come from me but from Christ changing my heart to be more like him, which I think looks like giving my life away. I honestly don’t want to do that.

Honestly, I would like to do all I can to make money and be “happy”, follow “the secret” and be my own self-fulfilling god. But I can’t do that, my eyes have seen something better. My heart has tasted a sweeter food and I can’t just act like it never happened. I think it would be like going to Papa Johns for all of your life then eating MPC. Why would you ever eat Papa Johns again when you can have MPC? I know that analogy sucks but Papa Johns is always easier, faster and anywhere you go But its not the best. That’s is the core of my problem I want what is easy, fast and anywhere I want it to be when I want it to be.

Can you see the problem? ME.

I want, I want, I want.

I want me to be at the center of everything and at the same time I want God to change my heart to where he is at the center of all I am and do.

I was playing the song “center” today and here are the lyrics:
“You’re the center of the universe
Everything was made in You Jesus
Breath of every living thing
Everyone was made for You
You hold everything together
You hold everything together
Christ be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives”

I really want this to be what I want to sing and mean: “Be the place we fix our eyes, Be the center of our lives”

I want to kill my desire to be my desire.
I say all of this after listening to a podcast that a girl, a Christian, did and she said something about Jesus and I couldn’t help it but think she was lying. She said that every night she lies down to sleep and has no fear or doubt. She said that she had abandoned all she was for all that God has. I think that’s a lie. Maybe not a 100% lie but I struggle to believe any of us sit around all(key word) the time and say man this Jesus thing ROCKS. I think the reason why it’s hard is because I have to lay down my life to gain it, and I am a piece of poop that doesn’t want to lay his life down. And if you are not selfish like I am rock on but me I suck as a person and Jesus makes be tolerable(selfishly i want to say Jesus makes me a joy to be around). I am thankful for the parts of me he has changed and I look forward to what is to come.
Hope this makes sense.


David Wilhite said...

I was just contemplating yesterday how this is my greatest roadblock to really knowing Christ and finding full satisfaction in Him. And how mainly I stumble over not getting to the other side, but stay wallowing in self-admiration. And I agree with you in that I don't see how anyone could live honestly in that girl's world. As a matter of fact, that was mostly what Steve Brown's message was about at Perimeter this past weekend. He said that the want to want to believe that God is real/He can satisfy is where true Christianity is found. Not superficially never wrestling with these things, but enduring darker days to come out refined. Truly a great comfort. He said if any pastor/teacher/"super" Christian ever tells you they don't struggle here they are lying.

Annie said...

Why you talkin bout my podcast like that?


Aaron said...

Wilhite: That's cool how we are hearing some of the same stuff.

Annie: I didn’t want to out you but it was your podcast and i am sorry to say but you are LIAR and you should delete that podcast. Ok so I just realized that I don't really know you well enough to continue this joke. Thanks for reading: )

Hayden and Julia Wreyford said...

I think you should blog more about this. Like DWilly said, anyone who says they do not struggle with this is just mistaken about who they are and where they stand.

This "me-ness" you speak of is at the core of my personality and it hates even the idea that it must die to make room for someone else...even the Creator.

I have to say, Aaron, the best blogs I write (I think) are the ones where I am really wrestling and just at my wits end over myself. No answers, really...just wrestling with the fact that I suck and all the ways I am continuing to discover that is a fact.

But in the wrestling, I see the Spirit working to make me sick of me and more like Him. I see that in your comments here and it will make you a better, deeper worshipper. Praise God for that, huh?